People only got one life to live. Is it enough? If it isn’t, don’t you think that we should do our best with everything? Should we stop making and replaying the same mistakes over and over again? Cause if mistakes are where we learned our lesson, once should be enough to make us understand.
When you love someone so much, hurting them should be last thing that we want to do, right? But what stupid is, when someone confess their heart out, telling us, telling the world how they love us but they did us so wrong that all the love that has been given, won’t mean a thing anymore.
Once, I was loved. Loved enough that I devoted myself and put them in a higher place than anyone else. Loved enough that I chose to fight for everything as long as it was to be with them, and for them to stay with me. Loved enough that I could see myself building a family and be happy, whatever it is, living life is when having them beside me.
Until, things started to change. Change is normal, what’s not normal is when the visions you have built with them also changed, faded, little by little and you felt like something really bad is coming. What could be the worst is when you try to deny it no matter how clear it starts to get. That is when love made you blind, and that is scary. You drifted apart but you force it, you are being pushed away but you can not stop pulling back. It is painful but you thought is was better that way than having a blank vision, a vision where there is none of them. You are used to have them every time, you are used to having their existence in your life, it is not that easy of letting go, and it is harder for us when they are the one who let us go.
I’ve been there. Loved and let go by someone that i used to have everyday, 24/7, 365 days a year, even more. It was not easy for me, not a bit. It took all of me that time when I lost the one I loved. It took half year for me to let someone new in, and it took more than a year for me to forgive, to shake it out of my head, to be okay with not having their presence anywhere in my life. I thought it would only be fair if I gave myself space without them, in this case it took me a few years. I gave myself chances on new people, new activities, and of course, new love. It was great, so great. I even started to accept the fact that yes I was broken, and it took too long for me with the distance and all the space I have given to myself. I let down my ego once and for all and I open up my space for whatever I had in my past. I don’t think it was a stupid decision. Until, I let one of them in.
It was so dumb for me to open up space for someone “old”, especially those who have their feet stomped all over me. I should not give anyone a chance to think that they could come whenever they want into my life, make me feel the sparks again and just went off when they thought they were done playing around. It is not even funny, even though I laughed it off sometimes. Who would think that it was okay to make someone feel as shitty as they were before? I was so wrong to think that something good would come up, a friendship, perhaps. I fell into the same hole as I did a few years back, and I thought I would be just fine. What I thought was right with is that I knew it would be just a temporary thing, but I didn’t think it would take so much of a feeling. What has been done should be done, it was in the past, it shouldn’t be happened twice. If it happened twice, it would be called stupidity and it was stupid of me.
If only I could spill the tea.
Don’t give chances to someone whom you knew ain’t gonna make things right for you. Don’t even think about giving them any. It would hurt you, not the same way as before but it might be even worse. I almost thought it would be better to start over, but I guess sanity came back in and I catch myself again into reality.
Whoever reads this, don’t be sorry for choosing what’s best for you. It is okay that you build your walls up, it would show them how strong enough you are to keep your distance so no one could ever break in again. They might take it as “you’re just scared to be hurt” or “it is only in your head”, but it is what it is. Maybe we could fix things, but I think sometimes it is better to leave it that way. Not “leave it” as a way that we just let it laid there broken, but we let it to heal, the wound, the damage. And although we never knew how long it takes, just maybe, they’re the best ways we could ever take.