Another Random Thoughts of Mine

Hai. Sudah cukup lama saya tak menulis lagi di blog ini. Alasan yang cukup kuat untuk menjawab mengapa adalah saya sedang berusaha keras untuk fokus pada skripsi saya. Yah, saya yang sudah menginjak semester 8 ini sudah tidak ingin mengulur-ulur waktu lagi untuk lulus. Hari ini saya akhirnya berhasil mendapat izin untuk mendaftar seminar proposal, satu-satunya hal yang menjadi titik fokus saya sejak 2 bulan terakhir. Karena itu, tiba-tiba saya terbersit untuk menulis sedikit tulisan pendek dan sederhana sebelum saya kembali memfokuskan diri pada revisi dan persiapan seminar pertama saya ini tentunya. Jangan bosan dulu ya, ini dia.

Pernahkah kalian merasakan sesuatu, atau menyaksikan sesuatu yang memberikan kesan “mind blown” seketika? Hmm. Bagaimana ya saya mendeskripsikannya? Terkadang tidak semua yang kita alami itu masuk akal. Ya, tidak semua mudah untuk dicerna logika. Inilah, salah satu hal yang sering berputar dan mengganggu pikiran saya.

Dulu saya pernah merasa saya sudah cukup memberi segala-galanya dari saya, untuk seseorang; namun semua juga terasa tidak cukup dalam waktu yang bersamaan. Saya merasa saya telah memberi, dan saya juga merasa bahwa bagian-bagian dari saya pun saya relakan untuk diambil. Mind blowing isn’t it? Or not? I get to the point that I couldn’t deal with anymore, nor accept it. Even though no matter how many times I tried to see the good, the better side. Sometimes good things in life are not easy to find, it is quite hard. But what is wrong with us people is that sometimes good things are not meant to be found, it is meant to be made. We should have stop searching, and start making, start creating. Maybe those things are the best options to make things right; possibly.

But also one thing came accross my mind. Would it be the same thing with starting over? To make a beginning from something that has come to an end? Would it feel as right as the other two? Yes people say that an end of something would bring another new beginning, but what if we would like to begin something from the same damn thing? What if it is because that end is never what we intented; is nothing like what we hoped?

Mostly, things that comes to end would cause an ugly effect. Like what? Sadness, anger, guilt, those feelings that is hard to describe and that is also difficult to accept. We can even feel dying inside; drown, hopeless, lost of meanings. It was all caused by another person. A particular one I suppose. Classic right?

To be more specific, someone that we loved, we cared for, we were closed with, or someone we thought about; anything you can probably say. That for them, we let them took anything they could take. Sometimes we knew that being with them might be a waste of time, but we felt different around them; don’t know if they bring the best out of us, or the worst. We just can’t not hold on. We might feel down, but it came to the point where we thought that with them, our lives would means everything. Despite out the bad things I’ve mentioned before. We thought of giving up but for hundreds of times we just couldn’t do it. Cause it’s them. Back again, we try to make something good, that we chose an option to change ourselves. We covered our ears from everyone else’s opinion, they don’t matter, until you get slapped by reality.

Often, we misunderstood of someone else’s existence in our lives. Not everyone meant to be in our lives forever; maybe, but forever is not that long you know. Forever can be hours stuck in traffic, or a few pages of an extremely difficult book. And it is the same with people in our lives; they come and go, people getting replaced in some sort period of time. But they always worth something. Either they’re a lesson or a blessing, at least that’s what I know.

Some people stay for a long time, some doesn’t. Sometimes we just lost people, sometimes they slipped out of our fingers. Sometimes we just got to experience the feeling of letting go, or being let go. Sometimes we hold things  back, sometimes we just have to try our hardest to just let it be.

Whenever we felt any kinds of that, it’s not just us; it’s everyone. We go through the same thing; but in different portions, different time, different situation. Don’t get caught up in yourself. 🙂

Issues

People only got one life to live. Is it enough? If it isn’t, don’t you think that we should do our best with everything? Should we stop making and replaying the same mistakes over and over again? Cause if mistakes are where we learned our lesson, once should be enough to make us understand.

When you love someone so much, hurting them should be last thing that we want to do, right? But what stupid is, when someone confess their heart out, telling us, telling the world how they love us but they did us so wrong that all the love that has been given, won’t mean a thing anymore.

Once, I was loved. Loved enough that I devoted myself and put them in a higher place than anyone else. Loved enough that I chose to fight for everything as long as it was to be with them, and for them to stay with me. Loved enough that I could see myself building a family and be happy, whatever it is, living life is when having them beside me.

Until, things started to change. Change is normal, what’s not normal is when the visions you have built with them also changed, faded, little by little and you felt like something really bad is coming. What could be the worst is when you try to deny it no matter how clear it starts to get. That is when love made you blind, and that is scary. You drifted apart but you force it, you are being pushed away but you can not stop pulling back. It is painful but you thought is was better that way than having a blank vision, a vision where there is none of them. You are used to have them every time, you are used to having their existence in your life, it is not that easy of letting go, and it is harder for us when they are the one who let us go.

I’ve been there. Loved and let go by someone that i used to have everyday, 24/7, 365 days a year, even more. It was not easy for me, not a bit. It took all of me that time when I lost the one I loved. It took half year for me to let someone new in, and it took more than a year for me to forgive, to shake it out of my head, to be okay with not having their presence anywhere in my life. I thought it would only be fair if I gave myself space without them, in this case it took me a few years. I gave myself chances on new people, new activities, and of course, new love. It was great, so great. I even started to accept the fact that yes I was broken, and it took too long for me with the distance and all the space I have given to myself. I let down my ego once and for all and I open up my space for whatever I had in my past. I don’t think it was a stupid decision. Until, I let one of them in.

It was so dumb for me to open up space for someone “old”, especially those who have their feet stomped all over me. I should not give anyone a chance to think that they could come whenever they want into my life, make me feel the sparks again and just went off when they thought they were done playing around. It is not even funny, even though I laughed it off sometimes. Who would think that it was okay to make someone feel as shitty as they were before? I was so wrong to think that something good would come up, a friendship, perhaps. I fell into the same hole as I did a few years back, and I thought I would be just fine. What I thought was right with is that I knew it would be just a temporary thing, but I didn’t think it would take so much of a feeling. What has been done should be done, it was in the past, it shouldn’t be happened twice. If it happened twice, it would be called stupidity and it was stupid of me.

If only I could spill the tea.

Don’t give chances to someone whom you knew ain’t gonna make things right for you. Don’t even think about giving them any. It would hurt you, not the same way as before but it might be even worse. I almost thought it would be better to start over, but I guess sanity came back in and I catch myself again into reality.

Whoever reads this, don’t be sorry for choosing what’s best for you. It is okay that you build your walls up, it would show them how strong enough you are to keep your distance so no one could ever break in again. They might take it as “you’re just scared to be hurt” or “it is only in your head”, but it is what it is. Maybe we could fix things, but I think sometimes it is better to leave it that way. Not “leave it” as a way that we just let it laid there broken, but we let it to heal, the wound, the damage. And although we never knew how long it takes, just maybe, they’re the best ways we could ever take.

It Ain’t Love

The first time you laid your eyes on him, he might looked ordinary. You thought he would not be more than a stranger.

The next time he got your number and talked to him through your phone, he might seemed a little more.

The day after when you let him met you after class, he might looked kind of fun.

A moment later you thought that it is okay for him to ask you to get lunch or dinner, cause he might be someone who cares about your tummy situation.

Several days later you said yes to date him, cause he might be someone who is willing to get to know you better.

Not long after you had your first fight, it was stupid and selfish, you think he might let you win the argument but he wasn’t.

Several weeks passed by, you let him kissed and touched you, cause you thought he might started to fall for you and you started to fall for him too.

A month later he asked for all the passwords for all your social media, he thought he might need to know whom you talk to. You asked for the same thing but he didn’t let you.

Frequently he started to ask you to come by his place, said he needed someone to help him kept his room clean. You couldn’t say no cause you might be a good helper.

That night when the city started to get cold, he asked you to join him in the blanket, said you might need to be warmed up. You obeyed.

Less than an hour later he started to kissed you, he couldn’t stop putting his hands all over you and you did nothing but letting him do. There are no thoughts about how it might not be the right time to give him all of you.

A year later he started to make you cry, like a lot. Argument after argument, not even once he said sorry. Tears after tears doesn’t stop him, even when he knew it caused you pain. He accused you for no reasons, he even laid his hand on you whenever you said things that he doesn’t like. He forced you for sex and he won’t stop even for a second even though you don’t feel comfortable at all. You thought it was okay, cause you might found a way to make him change. You thought it was okay, as long as you made him happy.

You might think he’s in love with you but honey, he isn’t. He might tell you he loves you but there’s no way love physically hurts you. No love let suspicious took control of one self toward another, love is all about building trust. He might slides his fingers in you and you might think it is all good but it is so wrong to forced you.

Lust is far different with love. And obsession is far different with caring for someone. We thought that if we fulfill their physical needs would prevent them to leave, keep them on their knees and love us, we’re wrong. That is not love.

Love is when you have faith in one another and get to know each other’s character. Love is when being together was as enough as breathing air, it keeps us alive. Love is when you let yourself drowning in each other without any force and love is when you know what’s good and what’s bad. And if it really is love, it would not be as temporary as impermanent tattoo.

Love takes time. It last longer. You don’t fall in a heartbeat, and so does out of love.

Love is gentle and it caresses you. No love would purposely hurt and force you to do something you don’t want to.

We lost our sane in love sometimes, that we mistaken obsession with care, and lust with love.

Don’t ever put yourself in that situation, don’t ever let yourself drown in any of that. Cause if you do, I’m sorry to say that it ain’t love.

Keangkuhan Malam

Malam ini seperti malam-malam yang biasa. Aku diam, menatap awang-awang dinding kamar tidurku. Sesekali aku menatap terangnya layar handphone yang kosong.

Salah jika aku bilang aku tak punya teman bicara.  Namun bagi mereka yang mengenalku, mereka akan tahu betapa susahnya aku untuk lelap di malam hari, atau butuhnya aku akan seseorang untuk mendengar keluh kesahku ditengah larutnya malam. Malam, malam, malam. Andai aku dapat berkawan dengannya.

Kadang aku pikir malam itu egois, disamping sepi dan ketakutan yang ia sebabkan. Mengapa? Malam begitu lihai dalam menyita waktu tidurku hanya untuk ratusan kali mencari-cari yang tak perlu dicari. Malam lihai membuatku terjaga sampai subuh tiba, bahkan hingga fajar menyapa. Malam lihai dalam mengundang mereka yang tak pernah hadir dalam pikiranku saat aku menjalani hari. Andai aku dapat menaklukan malam; karena bagi mereka yang bisa, aku iri.

Aku sungguh lelah jika kalian bertanya, hingga aku tak tahu harus menjawab apa. Kadang aku berharap agar malam tak usah datang. Mengapa? Karena aku ingin tetap baik-baik saja. Aku ingin terus didampingi matahari dan senja, karena merekalah distraksi terbaik yang aku punya dibalik segala gundah yang ada.